As a vegetarian, I had an aborted attempt at eating meat. I was just going to have a few morsels of carrion. I was born a vegetarian and thought of taking a walk on the meat eating side. After seeing many fast food adverts, I intended to ditch centuries of cultural and ethnic inheritance for a quick taste of the West. It all started with my cousin Nico.
My cousin Nico is a veggie just like me, and we were having a very robust argument about Hinduism and vegetarianism. My point was that many Hindus only became non-meat eaters because of Buddhism. I also told him that if those Hindus had a choice they would be nibbling on a deceased animal in a heart beat.
Needless to say, the taste of meat came up in the discussion. He thought meat tasted disgusting. I like annoying my relatives, so I told him meat must taste yummy. Why else would most of the human race drool, all slack eyed, at the sight of a cow?
After leaving my cousin’s home, thoughts of chomping on pieces of animal flesh were put on the back burner.
Fast forward to a year later, to the middle of 1998, and it was the week of my class reunion. I thought a juicy beef burger would be a good place to start. A few of my erstwhile school friends had got together days before the reunion dinner. One of them asked me if I missed the taste of meat. This is what I wanted to say.
“No, you bloody imbecile, I never tasted meat in my life. How the freaking hell could I miss it? It’s like a buffalo asking a lion if he missed the taste of grass.”
Instead, I politely said to imbecile, “No, I don’t miss the taste of meat.”
It was evening and the day of reckoning had arrived. I was seated among my friends and watched them greedily devour the dead animal bodies on their plates. I looked at the menu and decided to order a light burger. But, I kept on taking sneaking glances at the plates. The smell was revolting and I was feeling nauseous.
I was feeling hot, and my face was feeling even hotter. This was the first time I was having such a bizarre reaction, I had dined with my friends before and did not have a problem.
Some of my friends were sitting across the table, and one of their friends was a spunky woman, with mustache. She asked me if I was feeling unwell. She sounded like an echo, so I ignored her. There was a tall glass of beer on the table and I guzzled it down, finishing it. This was not a smart move, because now I had beer sloshing around in my half empty belly, and I was going to get drunk very quickly.
I was still intent on bringing animal tissue to my lips, and was about to order the burger when Mustache Lady began wolfing down horrible smelling onion rings. Being totally polite, I told her from across the table that her onions really reeked. She stopped eating, dead in her tracks. Everyone burst out laughing. I gave a questioning look to guy doing most of the laughing and he responded swiftly.
“She was eating calamari, which happens to be squid.” he informed me rather sanctimoniously. “She was definitely not eating onion rings.”
Apart from feeling sick, I was also feeling red, if such a thing was possible.
I was not going to order the burger and my date with meat was now over. I ordered a light fettuccine pasta with chopped olives, and it was a delicious. I topped the meal off with a luscious chocolate dessert. My meat curiosity was gone, and I was to be a vegetarian until I was cremated or buried.
We then split up for the late evening, and our group of four, including Mustache Lady, went to the beach. Fortunately, I was not drunk, although my head was feeling funny.
As for Mustache Lady, well, as we walked along the beach, behind our friends. I came to the grand conclusion that if I didn’t get away from her squid breathe soon; my nose was going have a stroke. The thought of being tickled by that lip hair any was too ghastly to contemplate, and I was really starting to wish I was drunk.
When I awoke in the morning I had a mild hangover, and I was still a vegetarian and glad to have aborted my attempt at eating meat. By the way, Mustache Lady’s name was Vendy, which is not her real name, but I’m sure the name is easy to guess.